‘You don’t expect to be widowed at 47’ - Sligo mother speaks of emotional but also financial toll on bereaved spouses

By Philip Rooney, The Sligo Champion

The loss of a loved one can be one of the most difficult experiences of anyone’s life but without the necessary support and guidance to help navigate the challenges that arise, the experience can be infinitely more difficult.

Ahead of International Widow’s Day on June 23 Sligo native, Jennifer O’Grady Fowley and Michael Herbert are highlighting some of the challenges they and thousands other like them face on an ongoing basis, but they are also highlighting the benefit of being involved in groups such as Widowed and Bereaved Partners Ireland.

The financial and emotional challenges faced by widowers can easily be overlooked by people not familiar with their circumstances with Michael explaining, “There are a lot of issues people don’t seem to know anything about.”

One of the co-founders of Widowed in Ireland, in 2019, Mr Herbert explained the role of the organisation, “This is a place of information,” adding “We are hoping to get charitable status.”

With a minimum of 200,000 widows and bereaved spouses in Ireland and approximately 46 new people being widowed every day Jennifer and Michael believe simple, practical measures could make life financially and emotionally easier for this often forgotten cohort of society.

The range of issues impacting widows are diverse and complex with Ms O’Grady Fowley stating, “You don’t expect to be widowed at 47.”

Outlining some of the obstacles she faces, on top of being a widowed parent, she noted, “If I’m out sick because I am in receipt of a widows pension, I am not entitled to additional support.”

Elaborating on the difficulties surrounding the widow’s pension she explained, “The widow’s pension is from my husband’s stamps, it comes from his contributions. If I’m out sick, which did happen me; I had cancer four years after my husband died but because I am in receipt of the widow’s pension, I am not entitled to any illness benefit whatsoever.

“We just feel that is very unfair. We are not looking for a load of things, we pay a stamp every week, why can’t we get some benefit from it?”

This point was backed up by Mr Herbert who agreed, “The Government say there is no such thing as getting two social welfare payments, but they are actually wrong about that because if you have two people in a house on an old age pension and one is minding the other one, the one that is doing the minding gets a half carer’s allowance on top of it. There is precedent.

“I’ve been out sick for a month but I am the same, I don’t qualify, there is no point even applying, you don’t get it.”

The anguish and upset caused when the time comes around for a child’s passport to be renewed every five years is another issue that most would be unaware of but Mr Herbert insisted it is “Very distressing” as death certificates are needed in order for the application to be finalised.

Highlighting a case of a widowed mother of an eight-month-old child and a three-year-old child Mr Herbert said, “She has to get seven signed affidavits that her husband is dead before those children reach 18. A child’s passport lasts five years but because you are widowed you have to go off and get a signed affidavit saying that you are widowed and the passport office can’t hold that on record.

“It’s not always medication you need; sometimes you just want to talk to someone who understands”

“Unfortunately our partners are not coming back, they are dead, that’s the reality of it. It is very distressing, it is like being made out to be a criminal with your own children.

“I could go into a solicitor and ask him to do up the affidavit and he mightn’t even know my family. My own solicitor wouldn’t know my children, he wouldn’t know I had children.”

Ms O’Grady Fowley said the process can be so cumbersome many are seeking professional help noting, “Some people are being charged €120 for a form to be filled out. It is an unnecessary expense and trauma.”

Touching on another difficulty faced by many widows Mr Herbert explained, “Tax credits reduce for five years after you are widowed. It’s not always financially and emotionally possible to go back to work immediately. The tax credits should be held until you go back to work.”

Mr Herbert referred to the loss of sick pay that came in to his home, while his wife was unwell, after she died saying, “I was living on the breadline putting three children through school.”

“People don’t want to bother you, but sometimes you want to be bothered”

Those sentiments were echoed by Ms O’Grady Fowley who commented, “My son was 15 when his dad died. He was still in college when the tax credits ran out. All your bills remain the same.”

While the financial side is particularly tough, equally challenging was the feeling of being alone and not having people to talk to who can relate to your pain.

Survey findings published on the Widowed and Bereaved Partners website

“For a long time I was the only person in my friend group widowed, and I felt so lost,” said Ms O’Grady Fowley adding, “There is nowhere to go, family events are very tough. Winter evenings are the worst, you close the door, and you’re on your own. People don’t want to bother you, but sometimes you want to be bothered.”

Commenting on the sense of isolation, she said, “You can easily not talk to anyone all week other than at work.”

Mr Herbert immediately agreed with the sense of feeling lost saying, “So did I.” Talking about the importance of having somebody to talk to he insisted, “It is not always medication you need. Sometimes you just want to talk to someone who understands.”

As well as the difficulties widows have to deal with following the loss of a cherished partner, the challenges faced by bereaved children is another issue raised by Ms O’Grady Fowley.

“When it comes to counselling for the children, it is up to the schools if they wish to let the counsellor in. The problem is, the child can get isolated because other children in their class don’t know how to talk to them. My son was blessed his teacher was so good.”

When asked what they would like to see implemented to make their incredibly difficult situation more manageable, it was agreed more assistance from the Department of Social Welfare would be a good starting point.

“The Department should have a liaison officer explaining everything to us. There is definitely a place for a properly trained unit,” said Ms O’Grady Fowley, adding they should “Be aware what we have been through.”

The support offered by Widowed in Ireland is helping to make a real difference with widows and bereaved partners comforting and consoling one another as they come to terms with their loss.

Ms O’Grady Fowley said she joined the group in May 2019 and described it as “a game changer,” noting, “We now have 28 people in the Sligo WhatsApp group, and we try to make a point of doing something at least once a week.”

Mr Herbert also spoke enthusiastically regarding the Widowed and Bereaved Partners Group saying, We had our first national meeting in Athlone in September 2020. Within two minutes of walking in you were talking to people you felt you knew all your life, we really felt like we knew each other. We were told by the hotel staff it was better craic in our room than at the wedding in the room next door!”

Anyone seeking more information in relation to Widowed in Ireland is asked to visit their website wbpi.ie, email wbpireland@gmail.com, search for the Widowed in Ireland Facebook page or contact Michael Herbert at (087) 2769476.

Article Funded by the Local Democracy Reporting Scheme.